my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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