I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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