they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
