then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
