You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
