I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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