I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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