I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Ladies don't puke and tell
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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