I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
