I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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