Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
id be glad to
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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