My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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