yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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