I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
