I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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