the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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