Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
