I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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