Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
