I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
