My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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