The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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