I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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