u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
