I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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