Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
