Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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