I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
