I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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