Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
