I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you told grandpa to call you daddy
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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