just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
