just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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