put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My pussy is not your playground.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
