is your mom at the bar?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I think I won the penis lottery.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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