I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
