Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
