I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
