they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
