Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
