There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
