I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
