I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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