I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
