how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
