My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
