Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
