Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
