Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
