3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
