my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
