So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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