You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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