You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
