Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
