I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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