he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
