just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
