Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
