Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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